i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize