Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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