I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
