we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Pooping to opera.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
