I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
