so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize