I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
