ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
