he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
