My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
