Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
