my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
