i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
