Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
