If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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