I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
