I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
