maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
