Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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