Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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