i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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