You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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