is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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