ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
time to smoke my breakfast
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
