Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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