Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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