hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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