he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
