Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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