3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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