I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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