Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
