I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize