I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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