Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize