Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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