I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
