i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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