...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
