pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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