I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
