i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
