If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize