Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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