I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
