You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
