I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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