Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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