She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
