How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
