What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Randomize
