Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
