This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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