I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
