Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
