the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
