She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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