I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
