I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
