There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
