he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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