I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
