Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
