She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
