I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
