Operation Purity has been aborted
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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