I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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