Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
