the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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