No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize