My friends, they love my intelligence
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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